When I started this post I had no idea what to write about. So I just started a bland, slightly preachy post. But then it took an interesting turn, so I followed it. I've just deleted my first introduction and changed the title. You're welcome.
I have lots of friends in varying circles of closeness.
I would say the outermost ring is everyone I happen to encounter every day. You know, like the barista in the drive-thru window. Like my coworkers who I transfer calls to but never see. Like all those people at church that I know well enough to say hello, but don't have a particular friendship with. I think I'll call this circle simply, "People."
Moving into the second circle would be the folks from the outermost circle that I see fairly consistently and actually enjoy their company. I would be glad to get to know them better, and I might be relieved to spend time with them over other people from the outermost circle. These are my Acquaintances.
The third circle I call "Potential Friends." These are the people that I have encountered in the Acquaintance circle who I shared a special moment with or an ordinary conversation upon which a real interest was struck, morphing it into a good conversation. I know a little more about these people, and I'm hoping to get to know them better.
I would say that the fourth circle would be the "Respect Zone." It usually overlaps the others, but not always. There are lots of people that I respect and would like to get to know better, but for various reasons I don't have the freedom to pursue them as friends. There are people in it like church leaders that I look up to, songwriters or authors that I will probably never meet (at least in this lifetime), a few political figures, perhaps, and various persons who I encountered doing or saying something that commanded my respect. The Respect Zone is a funny place. There are quite a few people in it that I really don't like, and wouldn't want to spend time with. But they have my respect to some degree or other, and oddly enough though I wouldn't say I'm friends with them, such a status can be closer to Friendship than even Potential Friends. I suppose my Respect Zone is my broadest circle. If this were a Venn diagram, part of the Respect Zone would have to be outside the overall circles of People I Know. However, to progress any further past Potential Friends, you must pass through the Respect Zone. I simply am not friends with people that I do not respect, and that is because I do not trust those that I do not respect. Everyone has people they love but do not trust. Just so with me.
Past the Potential Friends, we now move into the fifth circle, which would be the first degree of Friendship! (Yay!) Which, just to make things interesting, I'll label, "The Antennae Area." These are the folks whose company I enjoy and who share some of my tastes and who have shown interest in becoming friends with me. My mental antennae are up, and I'm feeling them out. I'm analyzing comments and facial expressions. I'm being cautiously optimistic toward them. Many good folks have passed through this stage to become friends, but after a season no longer show interest in spending time with me, so they fall back into the Acquaintance Circle. And I let them. Sometimes it hurts, but hey, seasons are a part of life. I can't maintain close friends with everyone I like, and I don't expect others to, either. The nice thing about Acquaintances is that they can come back into your life at a different season. And sometimes they surprise me by wanting to remain friends.
If you make it past the Antennae Area, I now classify you in the sixth circle as a New Friend. We've had some good conversations, you seem interesting, and you've shown enough interest to convince me that you want to be friends with me. I now begin to carefully share deeper things with you. I watch how you respond, and listen for things you share in return.
Full disclosure, people don't generally stay in the New Friend circle for very long. And that's a good thing. Most people drop into the Acquaintance circle. Some drop to Potential Friend, especially if I didn't have enough time to really get to know them. You know, if schedules don't match or the season is not quite right yet or something. Sometimes they go to the Respect Zone. I may get to know them a bit and realize they aren't quite friendship material, but I respect them too much to think of them as just an Acquaintance.
If someone ends up staying in the New Friend circle for a while, that means they're slowly becoming a Friend. They are proving themselves; they're being consistent in their actions and retaining my respect. If this continues, eventually one of two things will happen.
One, some event will occur in which I really need a Friend, and the New Friend rises to the occasion. Maybe they give just the right encouragement that I need to hear, or maybe they set me straight when I am wrong. Or they pick up on my feelings and respond to help without being asked. It sounds so dramatic when I put it like that, but it's usually a very small thing. But it surprises me, and some switch inside me just flips on. "Oh...wow. I need this person in my life."
Two, something small and subtle occurs. Maybe sharing a grin under someone else's conversation when we know we're thinking the same thing. One time at a party an Acquaintance and I got talking, and as the hours went by, she progressed up through every level. When we left that night we were fast friends and sworn allies and still are today.
Once you are inside the seventh circle as a Friend, I'm sad to say there are still degrees of Friendship within it. But I don't think I can pin them down with words very easily. Lives ebb and flow, and even with true friends, sometimes you are just closer to one or two over here for a bit, then when circumstances change, you find yourself gravitating toward some of the others. And that's all right. As long as there is trust and investment, you will still be friends. Friendship is meant to ripen and to stand the test of time. It's best when mellowed with age and experience. And you simply cannot pour into all your friends at once. I stopped expecting that of myself a while ago.
Even with my dearest, oldest, or closest friends, there are some things I don't tell them. Or I may tell one but not another. Person A knows how to relate to me in one area, but Person E over here probably wouldn't understand. But I can share a whole realm of my inner life with Person B that Person A would laugh to scorn. And then there's C, who would understand this other thing, but it's not what she needs from me in this season. And right now my best-est friend is probably D because they're getting me through a particular struggle, even though I generally enjoy E's company more than D's...etc. etc.
It seems to me that Friendship is very like falling in love. It can happen in years or hours. Sometimes you meet them and within a few months you know you can always count on them. And sometimes it takes seasons where you separate and then come together again. Each time you come together you learn more about them, and when you separate you have the feeling that they'll be back before too long. And sometimes it's just the slow, quiet work of a few years, then all at once it's love, and you can't pinpoint where or how it began.
This is why if anyone wants me to fall in love with them, they will have to work their way through my Circles. You have to prove to me that you'll be there for me and that you'll let me be there for you. You have to choose me, and keep choosing me every day, "till death do us part." You can't just sweep me off my feet with a few bursts of good effort. I won't be fooled by it; these things take time. And if you flake on me or go lukewarm, back to the Acquaintance Circle you go. It's possible to work your way up again, mind. But few do. There are easier girls who are grateful for crumbs of attention.
This is also why I find "The Friend Zone," to be such a silly concept. In the television shows and in the movies, a beautiful girl is (somehow) completely blind to the fact that a man is desperately in love with her, and when someone finally tells her, she gasps, "I just never thought about him that way!!"
Well, I don't know how other people scope out relationships, but honestly, every boy that I've ever met I've wondered if I could or would get married to them. It's just something that I've always given thought to, even as a very little girl who didn't understand romance yet. And so that means that men I know fail to make it through all my Circles.
Usually I don't know if they are Christians or not. This is why I don't often swoon for actors I've never met or for handsome strangers I see. Even if I feel a little blush or a swarm of butterflies, it means nothing, and I know it means nothing. When I don't know the person, it's just a natural physical response and nothing more. I don't go away pining for them or making up shirtless fantasies. I'm pretty sure I have a far greater weakness for personality and intellect.
Attractive strangers and even potential male friends can turn off my interest in a heartbeat. If they're arrogant or pretentious, ooh, off to Acquaintance-Town with you! Or, if you're that guy I danced with two weeks ago who stared at my chest for 3.5 seconds before responding to my greeting, welp, have fun in People-town, kiddo.
But the thing that makes me turn down most potential candidates is lack of maturity. Spiritually, mentally, or emotionally. Spiritually in the sense that I don't think they could be my spiritual leader because they're barely leading themselves. Mentally, as in, they're obnoxious or loud or have a boorish sense of humor. Or maybe they have narrow interests, no taste for new ideas or experiences, or just a general shallowness or emptiness in their talk. And by emotional maturity I mean things like insecurities and fears that they won't conquer; or a general clumsiness when it comes to showing or dealing with powerful emotions in themselves and others. These sort of people have no...center, if I could say it like that. There's all this personality and mind there, but no sense of self. There's this instability at their core that's just praying every minute that the whole structure won't come tumbling down if they put a foot wrong.
I daresay I would be told that my standards are too high. And yes, of course I realize that every man starts out that way and has to grow. That's what your twenties are for. But I'm in the late twenties myself. I've figured some of my own crap out. And unlike most girls these days, I don't and have never looked for a dating relationship that wasn't likely to lead to marriage and commitment. Sure, boys can grow up, but I am not willing to become romantically involved with one until he does. I don't have that kind of time, (I never did) and I don't want the drama of raising a man I didn't give birth to. I am aware that there's no such thing as a perfect man; I'm not idealizing some perfect Knight on a white steed. But a man has to be grounded. He has to understand where his strengths and weaknesses are, and be always working to cure himself of the weaknesses and to use his strengths for good. Someone like that understands who he is and what he needs to do. A woman can trust a man like that. He'll make mistakes, but he will learn from them and apologize and do better next time. That's the kind of man a woman can follow. And I refuse to fool around with some overgrown boy who needs to figure himself out. It would be better to be alone and living a busy, useful life.
So you see, I have never rejected anyone flippantly, certainly not those who were my Friends first. A few of them I relegated to my Friendship Circle, so you might think that that is my version of the dreaded "Friend Zone". The difference is that I put them there for a very specific reason. I didn't just "see them as a brother," or just "never thought about them that way." I did consider it, and I concluded that they weren't right for me. And look, I know first-hand that being rejected to being "just friends," is cold comfort. But if some of those men had understood just how precious Friendship is to me, it might have made a little difference. It might have...theoretically. Hm. No, no, I guess it would still be cold comfort. Rejection sucks. It really does.
I was always taught that the best way to fall in love is to be friends first. Because the fulfillment of romance is marriage. And marriage is simply a man and a woman teaming up to take on life together. To do that, you have to be Friends. Friendship will last when romantic flutters no longer come, and the glamor and novelty has worn off. I think the reason most people give up on their marriages is because they expected the temporary euphoria that transformed them into better (or at least happier) people would last for the rest of their lives.
So, there you have it! My Seven Circles of Friendship! Hope you enjoyed it. Leave me a comment for more ideas for posts!
~Cadenza
I have lots of friends in varying circles of closeness.
I would say the outermost ring is everyone I happen to encounter every day. You know, like the barista in the drive-thru window. Like my coworkers who I transfer calls to but never see. Like all those people at church that I know well enough to say hello, but don't have a particular friendship with. I think I'll call this circle simply, "People."
Moving into the second circle would be the folks from the outermost circle that I see fairly consistently and actually enjoy their company. I would be glad to get to know them better, and I might be relieved to spend time with them over other people from the outermost circle. These are my Acquaintances.
The third circle I call "Potential Friends." These are the people that I have encountered in the Acquaintance circle who I shared a special moment with or an ordinary conversation upon which a real interest was struck, morphing it into a good conversation. I know a little more about these people, and I'm hoping to get to know them better.
I would say that the fourth circle would be the "Respect Zone." It usually overlaps the others, but not always. There are lots of people that I respect and would like to get to know better, but for various reasons I don't have the freedom to pursue them as friends. There are people in it like church leaders that I look up to, songwriters or authors that I will probably never meet (at least in this lifetime), a few political figures, perhaps, and various persons who I encountered doing or saying something that commanded my respect. The Respect Zone is a funny place. There are quite a few people in it that I really don't like, and wouldn't want to spend time with. But they have my respect to some degree or other, and oddly enough though I wouldn't say I'm friends with them, such a status can be closer to Friendship than even Potential Friends. I suppose my Respect Zone is my broadest circle. If this were a Venn diagram, part of the Respect Zone would have to be outside the overall circles of People I Know. However, to progress any further past Potential Friends, you must pass through the Respect Zone. I simply am not friends with people that I do not respect, and that is because I do not trust those that I do not respect. Everyone has people they love but do not trust. Just so with me.
Past the Potential Friends, we now move into the fifth circle, which would be the first degree of Friendship! (Yay!) Which, just to make things interesting, I'll label, "The Antennae Area." These are the folks whose company I enjoy and who share some of my tastes and who have shown interest in becoming friends with me. My mental antennae are up, and I'm feeling them out. I'm analyzing comments and facial expressions. I'm being cautiously optimistic toward them. Many good folks have passed through this stage to become friends, but after a season no longer show interest in spending time with me, so they fall back into the Acquaintance Circle. And I let them. Sometimes it hurts, but hey, seasons are a part of life. I can't maintain close friends with everyone I like, and I don't expect others to, either. The nice thing about Acquaintances is that they can come back into your life at a different season. And sometimes they surprise me by wanting to remain friends.
If you make it past the Antennae Area, I now classify you in the sixth circle as a New Friend. We've had some good conversations, you seem interesting, and you've shown enough interest to convince me that you want to be friends with me. I now begin to carefully share deeper things with you. I watch how you respond, and listen for things you share in return.
Full disclosure, people don't generally stay in the New Friend circle for very long. And that's a good thing. Most people drop into the Acquaintance circle. Some drop to Potential Friend, especially if I didn't have enough time to really get to know them. You know, if schedules don't match or the season is not quite right yet or something. Sometimes they go to the Respect Zone. I may get to know them a bit and realize they aren't quite friendship material, but I respect them too much to think of them as just an Acquaintance.
If someone ends up staying in the New Friend circle for a while, that means they're slowly becoming a Friend. They are proving themselves; they're being consistent in their actions and retaining my respect. If this continues, eventually one of two things will happen.
One, some event will occur in which I really need a Friend, and the New Friend rises to the occasion. Maybe they give just the right encouragement that I need to hear, or maybe they set me straight when I am wrong. Or they pick up on my feelings and respond to help without being asked. It sounds so dramatic when I put it like that, but it's usually a very small thing. But it surprises me, and some switch inside me just flips on. "Oh...wow. I need this person in my life."
Two, something small and subtle occurs. Maybe sharing a grin under someone else's conversation when we know we're thinking the same thing. One time at a party an Acquaintance and I got talking, and as the hours went by, she progressed up through every level. When we left that night we were fast friends and sworn allies and still are today.
Once you are inside the seventh circle as a Friend, I'm sad to say there are still degrees of Friendship within it. But I don't think I can pin them down with words very easily. Lives ebb and flow, and even with true friends, sometimes you are just closer to one or two over here for a bit, then when circumstances change, you find yourself gravitating toward some of the others. And that's all right. As long as there is trust and investment, you will still be friends. Friendship is meant to ripen and to stand the test of time. It's best when mellowed with age and experience. And you simply cannot pour into all your friends at once. I stopped expecting that of myself a while ago.
Even with my dearest, oldest, or closest friends, there are some things I don't tell them. Or I may tell one but not another. Person A knows how to relate to me in one area, but Person E over here probably wouldn't understand. But I can share a whole realm of my inner life with Person B that Person A would laugh to scorn. And then there's C, who would understand this other thing, but it's not what she needs from me in this season. And right now my best-est friend is probably D because they're getting me through a particular struggle, even though I generally enjoy E's company more than D's...etc. etc.
It seems to me that Friendship is very like falling in love. It can happen in years or hours. Sometimes you meet them and within a few months you know you can always count on them. And sometimes it takes seasons where you separate and then come together again. Each time you come together you learn more about them, and when you separate you have the feeling that they'll be back before too long. And sometimes it's just the slow, quiet work of a few years, then all at once it's love, and you can't pinpoint where or how it began.
This is why if anyone wants me to fall in love with them, they will have to work their way through my Circles. You have to prove to me that you'll be there for me and that you'll let me be there for you. You have to choose me, and keep choosing me every day, "till death do us part." You can't just sweep me off my feet with a few bursts of good effort. I won't be fooled by it; these things take time. And if you flake on me or go lukewarm, back to the Acquaintance Circle you go. It's possible to work your way up again, mind. But few do. There are easier girls who are grateful for crumbs of attention.
This is also why I find "The Friend Zone," to be such a silly concept. In the television shows and in the movies, a beautiful girl is (somehow) completely blind to the fact that a man is desperately in love with her, and when someone finally tells her, she gasps, "I just never thought about him that way!!"
Well, I don't know how other people scope out relationships, but honestly, every boy that I've ever met I've wondered if I could or would get married to them. It's just something that I've always given thought to, even as a very little girl who didn't understand romance yet. And so that means that men I know fail to make it through all my Circles.
Usually I don't know if they are Christians or not. This is why I don't often swoon for actors I've never met or for handsome strangers I see. Even if I feel a little blush or a swarm of butterflies, it means nothing, and I know it means nothing. When I don't know the person, it's just a natural physical response and nothing more. I don't go away pining for them or making up shirtless fantasies. I'm pretty sure I have a far greater weakness for personality and intellect.
Attractive strangers and even potential male friends can turn off my interest in a heartbeat. If they're arrogant or pretentious, ooh, off to Acquaintance-Town with you! Or, if you're that guy I danced with two weeks ago who stared at my chest for 3.5 seconds before responding to my greeting, welp, have fun in People-town, kiddo.
But the thing that makes me turn down most potential candidates is lack of maturity. Spiritually, mentally, or emotionally. Spiritually in the sense that I don't think they could be my spiritual leader because they're barely leading themselves. Mentally, as in, they're obnoxious or loud or have a boorish sense of humor. Or maybe they have narrow interests, no taste for new ideas or experiences, or just a general shallowness or emptiness in their talk. And by emotional maturity I mean things like insecurities and fears that they won't conquer; or a general clumsiness when it comes to showing or dealing with powerful emotions in themselves and others. These sort of people have no...center, if I could say it like that. There's all this personality and mind there, but no sense of self. There's this instability at their core that's just praying every minute that the whole structure won't come tumbling down if they put a foot wrong.
I daresay I would be told that my standards are too high. And yes, of course I realize that every man starts out that way and has to grow. That's what your twenties are for. But I'm in the late twenties myself. I've figured some of my own crap out. And unlike most girls these days, I don't and have never looked for a dating relationship that wasn't likely to lead to marriage and commitment. Sure, boys can grow up, but I am not willing to become romantically involved with one until he does. I don't have that kind of time, (I never did) and I don't want the drama of raising a man I didn't give birth to. I am aware that there's no such thing as a perfect man; I'm not idealizing some perfect Knight on a white steed. But a man has to be grounded. He has to understand where his strengths and weaknesses are, and be always working to cure himself of the weaknesses and to use his strengths for good. Someone like that understands who he is and what he needs to do. A woman can trust a man like that. He'll make mistakes, but he will learn from them and apologize and do better next time. That's the kind of man a woman can follow. And I refuse to fool around with some overgrown boy who needs to figure himself out. It would be better to be alone and living a busy, useful life.
So you see, I have never rejected anyone flippantly, certainly not those who were my Friends first. A few of them I relegated to my Friendship Circle, so you might think that that is my version of the dreaded "Friend Zone". The difference is that I put them there for a very specific reason. I didn't just "see them as a brother," or just "never thought about them that way." I did consider it, and I concluded that they weren't right for me. And look, I know first-hand that being rejected to being "just friends," is cold comfort. But if some of those men had understood just how precious Friendship is to me, it might have made a little difference. It might have...theoretically. Hm. No, no, I guess it would still be cold comfort. Rejection sucks. It really does.
I was always taught that the best way to fall in love is to be friends first. Because the fulfillment of romance is marriage. And marriage is simply a man and a woman teaming up to take on life together. To do that, you have to be Friends. Friendship will last when romantic flutters no longer come, and the glamor and novelty has worn off. I think the reason most people give up on their marriages is because they expected the temporary euphoria that transformed them into better (or at least happier) people would last for the rest of their lives.
So, there you have it! My Seven Circles of Friendship! Hope you enjoyed it. Leave me a comment for more ideas for posts!
~Cadenza
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