Oh, I just thought it was noteworthy...it's amazing how many places I've been, and the experiences I've had---in my mind, anyway. Not to say I haven't had an exciting life, exactly. I just mean I'm way cooler when you consider all the things that I've done in my mind.
Right, but you wouldn't know. It's all in my head.
I like to imagine myself in all kinds of situations, and then I play out scenes just how I would like them to go. Yes. I still do that. I may be in my twenties, but yeah, I still do that. I would be willing to bet that many people are what you might call, "closet daydreamers." I'm a daydreamer, and I'm not embarrassed to admit it, but that's kind of frowned on these days.
I'm just so much cooler in my mind. My daydreams over my lifetime would fill a book---a huge book. And it would probably be more amusing to read than my actual life.
I've done things---real things---in my mind. I've imagined myself standing before a breathless audience in a packed auditorium singing some breathtaking melody. I've performed with music artists on stage. I've heroically saved people's lives in the face of crisis. I've improvised dances with people who relentlessly dragged me into the spotlight. I've performed in a musical, wowed people with my awesome roles in movies, dazzled people with my wit and charm...you get the idea. Most of them have the theme of me rising to the occasion, somehow. For once, actually stepping into a situation and wowing people. Not watching other people snatch at what they want and hanging back for decency's sake. For discretion. For kindness. For the nobler part of waiting my turn.
I don't even know why I'm sharing all this. I don't have a way to bring it full circle. I have no nice principle to put everything into perspective.
You know, sometimes I get tired of waiting. I wait for everything in this life. Every little thing; well, anything I really want. And it turns out, what I truly want are things that people are not going to give me. They don't have time. Or maybe it's not in their power. Or probably they just don't care. Or they don't know. And it doesn't matter, because they'd tell I've got to grab it for myself if I want it.
But that's not right. Is it?
Heh. I'm baring my soul on this little blog. I don't even know why I do. Well, I guess it's just nice to express myself in a public way that's not too on display for people I know.
I wonder what I would see if I looked into the Mirror of Erised. (For you people who don't know, it's a fictional magic mirror that shows you the deepest desires of your heart.)
I think I would see myself being seen. I would see people dazzled by my abilities, or charmed by my personality, or captivated by my voice. I would see myself making people laugh, making other people happy. Lifting drooping spirits and managing to say the right thing in the right way at the right time. I want to do good in this world...but I also want to be seen. But that's not wrong...is it? I've always been a Fun person, with the desire to be noticed in a crowd.
It would seem to anyone who knew my life that I've perfected hiding into a fine art. I hide. That's what I do. I'm afraid of what I'll do if I don't. And I hide because I've been rejected before. Because all my life, people have told me, essentially, to get the heck out of the limelight. I never meant any harm. I just wanted to be---I dunno, noticed.
You know, you'd think that if my personality and my strengths are slanted that way then I'd have been encouraged to reach out and be daring. Or more proactive, if you want a more palatable word. But I've always been told to shut up. To stop singing around people. It's annoying. Not to dance. It's undignified. To stop laughing loudly. It makes you look stupid. To sit in the crowd with all their dull silence and not make a sound. Don't take over, you're being presumptuous. Let someone else handle it. Don't ask for things, you don't need them.
And yet, astonishingly, people are surprised when they find I'm paralyzed with indecision or with fear. Gee, how did I ever get that mindset? So, wait, now you want me to be myself? Or do you want me to just slog along with all the other despondent adults and just sit in my own little corner until someone needs me to clean up a mess or do them a favor?
But you know something I really and truly fear?
I've never been a particularly competitive person, but I hate the thought of having a sad excuse of a life to show on Judgement Day. What have I ever done in this life? Supposing that I'm only a disappointment to the only One who really matters? What if...
What if...
What if...
What if...
Wait a second. But you're not relying on your works or good life or merits to please God anymore, remember? You do remember the Gospel, right? Jesus' perfect life and His perfect sacrifice absorbed ALL of God's anger at my sins.
I'm trusting in Jesus for my salvation; for His pleasure, His delight in me. It's not based on how well I do...though of course I should want to please Him because I love Him. Not because I'm trying to pay Him back or something. Because of Jesus, I can dare to hope for His delight in me. To please Him.
It doesn't solve my frustration, but it sure is a relief.
"Though all my heart should feel condemned
For want of some sweet token,
There is One greater than my heart,
Whose Word cannot be broken.
In God's unfailing Word I trust,
Till soul and body sever,
For though all things should pass away,
His Word shall stand forever."
---Martin Luther (I think...)
A post from the heart of
~Cadenza
Right, but you wouldn't know. It's all in my head.
I like to imagine myself in all kinds of situations, and then I play out scenes just how I would like them to go. Yes. I still do that. I may be in my twenties, but yeah, I still do that. I would be willing to bet that many people are what you might call, "closet daydreamers." I'm a daydreamer, and I'm not embarrassed to admit it, but that's kind of frowned on these days.
I'm just so much cooler in my mind. My daydreams over my lifetime would fill a book---a huge book. And it would probably be more amusing to read than my actual life.
I've done things---real things---in my mind. I've imagined myself standing before a breathless audience in a packed auditorium singing some breathtaking melody. I've performed with music artists on stage. I've heroically saved people's lives in the face of crisis. I've improvised dances with people who relentlessly dragged me into the spotlight. I've performed in a musical, wowed people with my awesome roles in movies, dazzled people with my wit and charm...you get the idea. Most of them have the theme of me rising to the occasion, somehow. For once, actually stepping into a situation and wowing people. Not watching other people snatch at what they want and hanging back for decency's sake. For discretion. For kindness. For the nobler part of waiting my turn.
I don't even know why I'm sharing all this. I don't have a way to bring it full circle. I have no nice principle to put everything into perspective.
You know, sometimes I get tired of waiting. I wait for everything in this life. Every little thing; well, anything I really want. And it turns out, what I truly want are things that people are not going to give me. They don't have time. Or maybe it's not in their power. Or probably they just don't care. Or they don't know. And it doesn't matter, because they'd tell I've got to grab it for myself if I want it.
But that's not right. Is it?
Heh. I'm baring my soul on this little blog. I don't even know why I do. Well, I guess it's just nice to express myself in a public way that's not too on display for people I know.
I wonder what I would see if I looked into the Mirror of Erised. (For you people who don't know, it's a fictional magic mirror that shows you the deepest desires of your heart.)
I think I would see myself being seen. I would see people dazzled by my abilities, or charmed by my personality, or captivated by my voice. I would see myself making people laugh, making other people happy. Lifting drooping spirits and managing to say the right thing in the right way at the right time. I want to do good in this world...but I also want to be seen. But that's not wrong...is it? I've always been a Fun person, with the desire to be noticed in a crowd.
It would seem to anyone who knew my life that I've perfected hiding into a fine art. I hide. That's what I do. I'm afraid of what I'll do if I don't. And I hide because I've been rejected before. Because all my life, people have told me, essentially, to get the heck out of the limelight. I never meant any harm. I just wanted to be---I dunno, noticed.
You know, you'd think that if my personality and my strengths are slanted that way then I'd have been encouraged to reach out and be daring. Or more proactive, if you want a more palatable word. But I've always been told to shut up. To stop singing around people. It's annoying. Not to dance. It's undignified. To stop laughing loudly. It makes you look stupid. To sit in the crowd with all their dull silence and not make a sound. Don't take over, you're being presumptuous. Let someone else handle it. Don't ask for things, you don't need them.
And yet, astonishingly, people are surprised when they find I'm paralyzed with indecision or with fear. Gee, how did I ever get that mindset? So, wait, now you want me to be myself? Or do you want me to just slog along with all the other despondent adults and just sit in my own little corner until someone needs me to clean up a mess or do them a favor?
But you know something I really and truly fear?
I've never been a particularly competitive person, but I hate the thought of having a sad excuse of a life to show on Judgement Day. What have I ever done in this life? Supposing that I'm only a disappointment to the only One who really matters? What if...
What if...
What if...
What if...
Wait a second. But you're not relying on your works or good life or merits to please God anymore, remember? You do remember the Gospel, right? Jesus' perfect life and His perfect sacrifice absorbed ALL of God's anger at my sins.
I'm trusting in Jesus for my salvation; for His pleasure, His delight in me. It's not based on how well I do...though of course I should want to please Him because I love Him. Not because I'm trying to pay Him back or something. Because of Jesus, I can dare to hope for His delight in me. To please Him.
It doesn't solve my frustration, but it sure is a relief.
"Though all my heart should feel condemned
For want of some sweet token,
There is One greater than my heart,
Whose Word cannot be broken.
In God's unfailing Word I trust,
Till soul and body sever,
For though all things should pass away,
His Word shall stand forever."
---Martin Luther (I think...)
A post from the heart of
~Cadenza
