I've made it two-thirds of the way!!
Whole30 is hard, but it's a good thing to do. That first week was the worst. After that, things eased up a bit. My clothes are fitting me better, I've lost weight, and my skin looks great. It's amazing how your body responds when you only put healthy things into it.
Which makes me kind of--almost--regretful that this is almost over. Whole30 is not sustainable. It wouldn't be good for me long-term. I'm grateful for that, of course. There is just no way in the world that I'd agree to live this way.
And since I'm being honest, this week I haven't been able to stop thinking about all the things that I want to eat. I miss eating out. I miss ice cream and lemonade. I miss wine and margaritas. My roomie and I have promised ourselves frozen margaritas after June 16th.
I have June the 17th specially marked on my calendars; it's going to be a happy day, but I can't go crazy. I have no desire to undo everything I've worked so hard for. Roomie says we're changing from 100% healthy to 80% healthy and 20% unhealthy. Right now that percentage sounds lovely.
There's really not a lot to say. I've come so far, I'm not going to cheat now. And I am going to stick it out for thirty days. No caving or partying or compromising on Day 28.
One thing is bothering me, though. I can walk by all the things in the store that I want without giving them a second glance. I've found that I can watch other people eating cookies and brownies in front of me...and behold, I do not die.
It's almost like I always had the ability to say no all along. But maybe it's only because I know that I can't have those things. I'm trying to remind myself that there's no difference anywhere. I didn't sign a contract in blood. I could buy a bottle of wine if I wanted to and have an occasional glass. I really could. Nothing outside my will is stopping me. But...this time, I have a real reason to say no. That is, I have judged something else to be more important than indulging myself. Before I didn't really have a compelling argument against the simple, "But I want this, and now!"
I have a reason to say no. And because I'm practically chomping at the bit to be rid of it, that scares me. For all my weakness...I don't really want to go back to that again.
Rules bring safety, but they are shackles. I don't want to live by some strict code, but I don't want to be enslaved to gluttony, either. They both bind me. Not being able to say no makes me a slave to my every whim. Being dependent on rules makes me turn down a single square of chocolate.
Gosh...freedom is hard. It's scary. Right now...I'm not sure I like it. I mean, I know me! I don't like saying no to things I want. How long will I be able to maintain the heavy responsibility of freedom for myself?
I know all about watching other folks have what I want. I've had to do a lot of that in my life. I'm sure we all have, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear.
I used to live by the philosophy that if I wanted something, run the other way as fast as you can, because it's probably bad for you. And if you try to fight for it, you'll only get yourself in trouble. Whether it was something as small as chocolate, or making eye-contact with a handsome stranger, run! Trying to appeal only brings a lecture about the vices. And drawing attention to it could diminish the freedoms you already have.
It has always baffled me how young people are so prone to rebel. How do you rebel when you have no freedom to choose in the first place? How do you fight for more freedom when you never had any freedom in the first place?
This bent in my character toward gluttony has infested my entire life, rarely if ever checked in any way. I liked it that way. It was some small compensation, some amount of reward for myself for running away from the things I wanted. There was seldom any other reward, that's for sure.
Nobody will choose me. I am unchosen, undesired, unpursued. And how will anyone ever find me? Tucked away in my job, lost in the crowd, living my life in this safe, comfy bubble...or should I say "cage"? I'll stop at Barnes and Noble, and I'll buy whatever I like. I deserve it.
I know I'm full, but I want some chocolate tonight as I watch this movie. I can't go on adventures like these characters...but at least I can be comfortable as I live vicariously through them.
Every night I crawl into an empty bed, and wake up alone. There's no change on the horizon, no hope of a happily ever after for me. I'll...I'll stop at Starbucks and get myself a sugary drink in the morning. I'll feel better.
How is this kid getting engaged? I used to babysit her. She looks so grown-up in her lace and pearls. How'd she catch such a handsome guy?
Oh...she's having a baby! How...wonderful for her...Isn't that just...just...
Ah. She's found herself a man. Well...good for her! Yeah.
What am I doing wrong?
What's wrong with me?
I'm tired of getting my hopes up. Nothing ever happens. I don't even want to try anymore.
I know I don't need this milkshake. But...why even try? No one's going to notice me anyway. If I'm going to be on the shelf...why not just say yes to one thing I can give myself?
Yes...I know how it feels to be denied what I truly want. So why deny myself yet one more thing? There's no reason to. What would it possibly change, anyway?
Having a challenge gives me a reason at least. The thought of not having a reason again is terrifying.
However...I can't just let those weeds grow in my heart, choking out my ability to learn self-control. When it gets to be this invasive, my heart resembles the soil in the parable that grew thorns along with the seeds. The worries of the world, enslaving me to my desires. It's grown unchecked for a long time...but that doesn't give me an excuse to ignore it.
We don't talk enough about the thorny soil. I'm beginning to think that most of the Church's problems in America today are because of those worries and troublesome things that we think are indispensable. Just something as seemingly stupid as a problem with saying no to food. At least, we call it fancy names like that. But it's just another broken cistern we use to slake our thirst. Only an invasive thorny vine that's smothering our fruit and breaking down our walls, little by little.
At the end of the day...it's an affair of my heart. Jesus isn't enough for me. He doesn't care. He's forgotten me. So I might as well indulge. Because I don't like it, but I have no power to change anything, or even to appeal.
I see all this is going on inside me. It's frightening.
I want this Whole30 thing to be done. But...I don't want to go back to where I was! Where do you go from there? That's the question on my mind tonight.
~Cadenza
Whole30 is hard, but it's a good thing to do. That first week was the worst. After that, things eased up a bit. My clothes are fitting me better, I've lost weight, and my skin looks great. It's amazing how your body responds when you only put healthy things into it.
Which makes me kind of--almost--regretful that this is almost over. Whole30 is not sustainable. It wouldn't be good for me long-term. I'm grateful for that, of course. There is just no way in the world that I'd agree to live this way.
And since I'm being honest, this week I haven't been able to stop thinking about all the things that I want to eat. I miss eating out. I miss ice cream and lemonade. I miss wine and margaritas. My roomie and I have promised ourselves frozen margaritas after June 16th.
I have June the 17th specially marked on my calendars; it's going to be a happy day, but I can't go crazy. I have no desire to undo everything I've worked so hard for. Roomie says we're changing from 100% healthy to 80% healthy and 20% unhealthy. Right now that percentage sounds lovely.
There's really not a lot to say. I've come so far, I'm not going to cheat now. And I am going to stick it out for thirty days. No caving or partying or compromising on Day 28.
One thing is bothering me, though. I can walk by all the things in the store that I want without giving them a second glance. I've found that I can watch other people eating cookies and brownies in front of me...and behold, I do not die.
It's almost like I always had the ability to say no all along. But maybe it's only because I know that I can't have those things. I'm trying to remind myself that there's no difference anywhere. I didn't sign a contract in blood. I could buy a bottle of wine if I wanted to and have an occasional glass. I really could. Nothing outside my will is stopping me. But...this time, I have a real reason to say no. That is, I have judged something else to be more important than indulging myself. Before I didn't really have a compelling argument against the simple, "But I want this, and now!"
I have a reason to say no. And because I'm practically chomping at the bit to be rid of it, that scares me. For all my weakness...I don't really want to go back to that again.
Rules bring safety, but they are shackles. I don't want to live by some strict code, but I don't want to be enslaved to gluttony, either. They both bind me. Not being able to say no makes me a slave to my every whim. Being dependent on rules makes me turn down a single square of chocolate.
Gosh...freedom is hard. It's scary. Right now...I'm not sure I like it. I mean, I know me! I don't like saying no to things I want. How long will I be able to maintain the heavy responsibility of freedom for myself?
I know all about watching other folks have what I want. I've had to do a lot of that in my life. I'm sure we all have, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear.
I used to live by the philosophy that if I wanted something, run the other way as fast as you can, because it's probably bad for you. And if you try to fight for it, you'll only get yourself in trouble. Whether it was something as small as chocolate, or making eye-contact with a handsome stranger, run! Trying to appeal only brings a lecture about the vices. And drawing attention to it could diminish the freedoms you already have.
It has always baffled me how young people are so prone to rebel. How do you rebel when you have no freedom to choose in the first place? How do you fight for more freedom when you never had any freedom in the first place?
This bent in my character toward gluttony has infested my entire life, rarely if ever checked in any way. I liked it that way. It was some small compensation, some amount of reward for myself for running away from the things I wanted. There was seldom any other reward, that's for sure.
Nobody will choose me. I am unchosen, undesired, unpursued. And how will anyone ever find me? Tucked away in my job, lost in the crowd, living my life in this safe, comfy bubble...or should I say "cage"? I'll stop at Barnes and Noble, and I'll buy whatever I like. I deserve it.
I know I'm full, but I want some chocolate tonight as I watch this movie. I can't go on adventures like these characters...but at least I can be comfortable as I live vicariously through them.
Every night I crawl into an empty bed, and wake up alone. There's no change on the horizon, no hope of a happily ever after for me. I'll...I'll stop at Starbucks and get myself a sugary drink in the morning. I'll feel better.
How is this kid getting engaged? I used to babysit her. She looks so grown-up in her lace and pearls. How'd she catch such a handsome guy?
Oh...she's having a baby! How...wonderful for her...Isn't that just...just...
Ah. She's found herself a man. Well...good for her! Yeah.
What am I doing wrong?
What's wrong with me?
I'm tired of getting my hopes up. Nothing ever happens. I don't even want to try anymore.
I know I don't need this milkshake. But...why even try? No one's going to notice me anyway. If I'm going to be on the shelf...why not just say yes to one thing I can give myself?
Yes...I know how it feels to be denied what I truly want. So why deny myself yet one more thing? There's no reason to. What would it possibly change, anyway?
Having a challenge gives me a reason at least. The thought of not having a reason again is terrifying.
However...I can't just let those weeds grow in my heart, choking out my ability to learn self-control. When it gets to be this invasive, my heart resembles the soil in the parable that grew thorns along with the seeds. The worries of the world, enslaving me to my desires. It's grown unchecked for a long time...but that doesn't give me an excuse to ignore it.
We don't talk enough about the thorny soil. I'm beginning to think that most of the Church's problems in America today are because of those worries and troublesome things that we think are indispensable. Just something as seemingly stupid as a problem with saying no to food. At least, we call it fancy names like that. But it's just another broken cistern we use to slake our thirst. Only an invasive thorny vine that's smothering our fruit and breaking down our walls, little by little.
At the end of the day...it's an affair of my heart. Jesus isn't enough for me. He doesn't care. He's forgotten me. So I might as well indulge. Because I don't like it, but I have no power to change anything, or even to appeal.
I see all this is going on inside me. It's frightening.
I want this Whole30 thing to be done. But...I don't want to go back to where I was! Where do you go from there? That's the question on my mind tonight.
~Cadenza
