Okay, people. I can't believe I've been here for nearly three months and only have 9 posts to show for it. I am officially kissing my expectations for every post to be pristine goodbye. I simply don't have time to fuss for weeks over a post. Posts must be short and plentiful, and then when I get more time, I can make 'em look professional. As it is, there's lots I want to say, and I never make time to say it because I'm so overwhelmed by my ideas of what each post should look like. So. Now you know.
I always thought that once I was a mother I would be this cheery, fun-loving, amazing woman who filled her house with sunshine and laughter. I just knew I would be THAT woman who could always keep her sense of humor, even when things were going haywire. In my vanity, I pictured myself as this girlish, pretty young wife with two or three kids around her, dancing and singing in the kitchen and laughing at everything those young innocents said. And I thought that surely other ladies who got a glimpse into my life would wonder how I could be so happy and sunshiny all the time.
Rude awakening.
Yesterday I slumped. Badly. I mean, I was a positive grouch. I couldn't figure out why I felt so nasty, but every little thing was irritating me. I wanted to go verbal with my complainings, but I didn't, since it isn't my house and the kids aren't my kids. So I just got very quiet. I didn't laugh, I didn't talk, I just kept my mouth tight shut.
I tried to figure out what made me feel so contrary. I'd been up late the night before, but I'm a night-owl; that doesn't bother me. The water that had arrived at my door had been hot. It wasn't that time of month. The kids were just being kids, nothing they were doing was particularly wrong. I just felt tired of everything, upset at everyone, and I was eating and eating anything I could lay my hands on. Was I missing my family? I had to be honest and admit "No, not at the moment." What was making me feel so angry and resentful? It wasn't like a Sneaky Hate Spiral, when something goes wrong at the beginning of the day and lots of little annoyances pile up until you go hysterically crazy mad. (If you are curious about Sneaky Hate Spirals, click on this link and read the story: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.in/2010/05/sneaky-hate-spiral.html )
Eventually I had to come to grips with it. The hard truth is I am not the nice, joyful person I thought I was. Considering my circumstances, the only fitting diagnosis was my pride, and my sin nature. I was being so disagreeable and cross for no reason at all. My pride must've felt that the world wasn't treating me nicely enough. Yeah. When what I deserve is so much worse than I can even imagine.
I tend to be so caught up in my different circumstances here that I don't feel grouchy. I'm tickled to be serving when I feel that I can choose to serve, and where there is no guilt or rebukes lurking around the corners. It's great to be around such amazing kids on a day to day basis, especially since I'm old enough now to understand their behavior through both their eyes and an adult's eyes. It's fun and challenging to cook from scratch, and I love playing with Bugga Boo. I love having my own little house to sit and just think in...I love walking to it under the night sky (and Orion, that hangs over the chapel) and setting up my computer with its speakers to play music, and lighting the little scented candle that sits in the corner. I love eating snacks and poring over "The Two Towers," late into the night, or journaling on the bed until I can't hold my eyes open. At home I'd been bored and restless. Here every day I'm working hard and serving with my whole heart, and everyone appreciates and affirms me and seems to enjoy my quirks. No one tells me to stop singing or gives me a rebuke when I laugh out loud over something funny. Yet with all this, I was being spiteful and arrogant. Why?
It's my sin. My pride. I thought I was this amazing person, but when a few little circumstances prick me, my little bubble is burst and my pride goes hot. How dare those children keep chattering after I told them to settle down? How dare they criticize this food that I've worked an hour to prepare from scratch? They're just kids---they've never cooked, they don't know how hard it can be. To them it's perfectly fair to be upset that I didn't remember that they don't like peas and carrots. Why does it matter to me? Why do I get my feelings hurt over something as ridiculous as that? It's my sin.
Thank God above that there is forgiveness for my sins. Because really, me in my sins is just like an annoying, immature child to my Heavenly Father. Suddenly I felt sad that I was wishing the kids were getting spanked for each little thing. What if God punished me--as His child--for every single bitter thought or selfish deed I did each day? Of course, God doesn't work like that. He sent His Son to bear my punishment. And now His wrath towards sinners has been absorbed by Christ as He hung on the cross and said, "It is finished." Jesus is alive today, and He gives grace and mercy when I don't deserve it. What hope would I have if He treated me as I deserved each day? I thanked Him for that in my heart.
This morning, some people may say that I woke up on the right side of the bed, but I know better. God gives grace and mercy, and I was a more grateful person today when I started serving with my whole heart, and counting my blessings instead of focusing on myself.
Another short post coming later...thanks for reading!
~Cadenza
I always thought that once I was a mother I would be this cheery, fun-loving, amazing woman who filled her house with sunshine and laughter. I just knew I would be THAT woman who could always keep her sense of humor, even when things were going haywire. In my vanity, I pictured myself as this girlish, pretty young wife with two or three kids around her, dancing and singing in the kitchen and laughing at everything those young innocents said. And I thought that surely other ladies who got a glimpse into my life would wonder how I could be so happy and sunshiny all the time.
Rude awakening.
Yesterday I slumped. Badly. I mean, I was a positive grouch. I couldn't figure out why I felt so nasty, but every little thing was irritating me. I wanted to go verbal with my complainings, but I didn't, since it isn't my house and the kids aren't my kids. So I just got very quiet. I didn't laugh, I didn't talk, I just kept my mouth tight shut.
I tried to figure out what made me feel so contrary. I'd been up late the night before, but I'm a night-owl; that doesn't bother me. The water that had arrived at my door had been hot. It wasn't that time of month. The kids were just being kids, nothing they were doing was particularly wrong. I just felt tired of everything, upset at everyone, and I was eating and eating anything I could lay my hands on. Was I missing my family? I had to be honest and admit "No, not at the moment." What was making me feel so angry and resentful? It wasn't like a Sneaky Hate Spiral, when something goes wrong at the beginning of the day and lots of little annoyances pile up until you go hysterically crazy mad. (If you are curious about Sneaky Hate Spirals, click on this link and read the story: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.in/2010/05/sneaky-hate-spiral.html )
Eventually I had to come to grips with it. The hard truth is I am not the nice, joyful person I thought I was. Considering my circumstances, the only fitting diagnosis was my pride, and my sin nature. I was being so disagreeable and cross for no reason at all. My pride must've felt that the world wasn't treating me nicely enough. Yeah. When what I deserve is so much worse than I can even imagine.
I tend to be so caught up in my different circumstances here that I don't feel grouchy. I'm tickled to be serving when I feel that I can choose to serve, and where there is no guilt or rebukes lurking around the corners. It's great to be around such amazing kids on a day to day basis, especially since I'm old enough now to understand their behavior through both their eyes and an adult's eyes. It's fun and challenging to cook from scratch, and I love playing with Bugga Boo. I love having my own little house to sit and just think in...I love walking to it under the night sky (and Orion, that hangs over the chapel) and setting up my computer with its speakers to play music, and lighting the little scented candle that sits in the corner. I love eating snacks and poring over "The Two Towers," late into the night, or journaling on the bed until I can't hold my eyes open. At home I'd been bored and restless. Here every day I'm working hard and serving with my whole heart, and everyone appreciates and affirms me and seems to enjoy my quirks. No one tells me to stop singing or gives me a rebuke when I laugh out loud over something funny. Yet with all this, I was being spiteful and arrogant. Why?
It's my sin. My pride. I thought I was this amazing person, but when a few little circumstances prick me, my little bubble is burst and my pride goes hot. How dare those children keep chattering after I told them to settle down? How dare they criticize this food that I've worked an hour to prepare from scratch? They're just kids---they've never cooked, they don't know how hard it can be. To them it's perfectly fair to be upset that I didn't remember that they don't like peas and carrots. Why does it matter to me? Why do I get my feelings hurt over something as ridiculous as that? It's my sin.
Thank God above that there is forgiveness for my sins. Because really, me in my sins is just like an annoying, immature child to my Heavenly Father. Suddenly I felt sad that I was wishing the kids were getting spanked for each little thing. What if God punished me--as His child--for every single bitter thought or selfish deed I did each day? Of course, God doesn't work like that. He sent His Son to bear my punishment. And now His wrath towards sinners has been absorbed by Christ as He hung on the cross and said, "It is finished." Jesus is alive today, and He gives grace and mercy when I don't deserve it. What hope would I have if He treated me as I deserved each day? I thanked Him for that in my heart.
This morning, some people may say that I woke up on the right side of the bed, but I know better. God gives grace and mercy, and I was a more grateful person today when I started serving with my whole heart, and counting my blessings instead of focusing on myself.
Another short post coming later...thanks for reading!
~Cadenza
