I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure where this will even go. Not that that's much different from my other posts.
Still, I need to blog. I've been away too long, and I can't avoid it forever.
I suppose the place to start is to say that, yes, as the title implies, my heart has been broken. I now know what that feels like.
I had other plans for this post, but already that seems like a year ago. My older posts feel like a lifetime ago.
Last December after Christmas, he pursued me. He actually pursued me. This godly young man looked into my eyes and asked me if I would be willing to pursue a serious relationship with him. I told him yes.
We stood up and hugged. It seemed to me that years of miscommunication and misunderstanding had been wiped clean in a moment.
We dated. I was pursued by the man who had captured my heart. For a few months, the Schoolmaster was mine.
But this March he broke it off. I told him he must do what he thought was right.
I don't understand why. I still don't today. Maybe I never will.
"When this all began
I knew there'd be a price.
Once upon a dream
We were lost in love's embrace
There we found a perfect place
Once upon a dream.
Once there was a time
Like no other time before
Hope was still an open door
Once upon a dream.
And I was unafraid
The dream was so exciting
But now I see it fade
And I am here alone.
Once upon a dream
You were heaven-sent to me
Was it never meant to be?
Was it just a dream?
Could we begin again---
Once upon a dream?"
---"Once Upon a Dream," from "Jekyll and Hyde." (Additional lyrics mine.)
"I could weep
My whole life long
Future years
With you now gone.
I'll cry
Until we both are
Underwater
Forever.
See my tears flow!
This H2O
It is filled with heartbreak
Without your love
These tears don't
Even begin
To express
This
Emptiness..."
---"Tears," from "The Light Princess." (Additional lyrics mine.)
I know why my posts sometimes get preachy. It's because I have to preach to myself. Preaching it to myself helps me to get my perspective right again, even if it's redundant or sounds like I'm trying to set myself up to be somebody greater than I am.
Heh. Nope.
Eventually I came to realize that this is going to take some time to get over. I didn't get all these feelings overnight, so...it's going to take a while to, well, to move on. And that's okay. Life goes on. I still have to go to work and do things in my home and go to events. And around me the weeks keep going, and the months. The seasons are changing around me once more, bringing all the old feelings and memories and dreams that are somehow just as new to me as they ever were.
It's a blessing that life moves on. In grief---and in heartbreak---sometimes that feels like the worst infliction. The worst part is living with the pain, day in and day out. You wish it would get better because you're tired of hurting, and yet the idea of there being distance between what you lost and where you are now hurts you just as much, only in a different way. It will get better. I know it will. It already has. I may be young, but I've seen enough of life to know that it is constantly changing. Some days I'm my old self again, perky and mischievous and hopeful. But then there are days when pain comes without warning. The other day I was blindsided when I saw the place the Schoolmaster first took me out to dinner. I wept in the car. It seemed pathetic, but I couldn't help it.
I have turned to my Father in all of this. He has drawn closer to me than He ever has before.
Here's one blessing: My conscience is clear about this whole situation. I hoped. I prayed. I humbly asked for something. The Lord gave him to me for a while. When we dated, to the best of my ability I did what I knew to be right. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I hoped, and I have to give up hope now. But---I don't regret it. I have no reason to hang my head in shame. The Lord gave---and the Lord took away. As my Creator and rightful Master, and as the All-powerful King of Love and Light,...well, He does as He pleases. There is no darkness in Him. None of His character has the faintest shadow of evil.
I don't believe in a God who is capricious and stingy, because that is not the God of the Bible.
"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:31 ESV)
Not "all things," as in, "everything we want." What kind of parent gives his child everything they whine for, or even demand? Not a good one, that's for sure. Those kind of kids are self-centered brats who are being allowed to let their sin nature take control of everything else. Their bodies for one thing. Kids like that won't make healthy choices for their bodies. Their minds: they are almost incapable of thinking of or doing anything for someone else. And that is going to lead to trouble the instant they step out into the real world. Their souls: how could a self-absorbed boy or girl feel any desire for God, or even understand their need of Him? As long as they have their distractions, they will gladly choose to never think of Him at all. Love often looks different from what we expect. The God-fearing parent stands firm when their child wants something that they know will hurt them, or even just be unhealthy for them.
The love of a Friend to another Friend can sometimes mean telling them the truth even when they don't want to hear it. Or confronting them when their behavior is wrong. And sometimes being a friend means stepping back and letting them feel the consequences of their sinful or foolish choices. "A real friend would help them no matter what! A friend loves at all times, right?" you might argue. Yes. A friend does love at all times. And real love means you don't shield them from self-inflicted consequences. How else will they learn? If they will not listen to truth they might get mad at you and choose not to be your friend anymore. But if that's the case, they didn't want a true Friend. A true friend loves their friend too much to feed them soothing lies, or to condone them when they tell lies to themselves.
Bit of a tangent there, but I think that's important. God has shown Himself to be a whole lot smarter than me when it comes to, oh, everything. In Scripture we see it everywhere. And so it is written on every page of my life's story, too. If I'd written my life's story, I'd have been a self-centered girl who had everything she ever wanted at a moment's notice. I would have fit the "mean girl," trope; popular, stylish, spiteful, vengeful, and dominating. And who knows where I would be now if that had been my life? I would have none of the things that I hold dear now. Things that really matter, like a relationship with Christ, a loving circle of trust in my family, and dear friends who pick me up when I am down. Or things like the joy I have found in helping and serving others. Things like popularity and style are fleeting pleasures---they can't even compare to the treasures I have now. Those things will last for eternity. I don't know what is going to happen between then and now, but I have been promised a happy FOREVER after.
And speaking of stories, that's another thing I've learned through all this. Having the Schoolmaster be mine was what I wanted in my life's story. It's true that I clung to that hope. I don't think the hope was wrong, necessarily. But it's become clear to me over the past two weeks that now that God has said no, I have my answer. It is not to be. It's time to accept that and to stop hoping. It was all well and good to persistently hope when I was waiting, but I have the answer now. The answer is no. If I keep hoping now, than I will be trying to pull the pen from the Author's hand and write my story the way I want it to go. Not only won't it work, it'll put distance in my relationship to the Author. I won't listen to Him or obey Him if I'm actively working against Him.
"If I'm wise I will walk away, and gladly.
But sadly, I'm not wise! It's hard to talk away the mem'ries that you prize..."
---"In His Eyes," from "Jekyll and Hyde."
I thought of those lines from that song, and I realized that I would never be able to move on properly until I stopped hoping. That meant I needed to not only give the Schoolmaster back to God, but all my past dreams, all my present hopes, and even the memories. All of them.
I obeyed. At first I didn't want to, but I did. I knelt down and with tears I gave everything back to my Father. Every memory that I prized. Every Moment. I let go of all of my dreams and gave them to Him.
When I stood up I felt free. I felt a new chapter beginning, and I actually felt a little excited. Anything---absolutely anything can happen now.
But more than that...I have peace somewhere deep inside me that my Father is pleased with me. Most of the time I think of God as my gracious Master; and He is, but that is not all He is.
Jesus Christ laid down His life to absorb God's wrath at my sins. God the Father was the one who sent the Son on His mission, who provided the way for sinners to be forgiven. The Holy Spirit has been given to me as a gift, to protect me and to reassure me that I belong to God as His daughter.
I am God's adopted Daughter. He has made me royalty. He trains me as a warrior of the Light. He bids me to share in His joy. He has told me to dry my eyes and to despair no more. He is no longer only my Liege-Lord and King, but my Father.
I don't have the answers why. I don't need them. He is the Answer.
I don't have to understand to obey. I gladly obey. I gladly give my heart to the One who has been determined to capture my heart since before the dawn of time, and who has sworn to love me for all of eternity. He loves me. More than anyone else ever could. I am safe in His love. Only God can truly heal a broken heart. He's healing mine.
Oh! And one last blessing I should mention. During that hard conversation, the Schoolmaster told me that he wanted to still be my friend. He wanted to speak with me when he saw me at church, and wanted me to feel free to do the same.
I know that to a lot of people that would seem unthinkable or even mean to suggest. I know that for most people, friendship is impossible after a romantic relationship ends.
But it is possible, and here's how I know it is: Friendship is a different kind of love than romantic love. The Schoolmaster and I were truly Friends before all this began. We know each other and we trust each other. We have a lot in common and we enjoy similar things and even similar beliefs. We each think certain kinds of questions are important and worth discussing, even if we don't agree on the answers. C.S. Lewis wrote a whole chapter about Friendship-love in his marvelous book, "The Four Loves."
Sadly, people today don't really know what true Friendship is because few people experience it. They get into romantic relationships without friendship coming first, which sometimes ends up working out, but when breakups happen they literally no longer know how to act around each other, and have no choice but to avoid each other. I can tell you now, as painful as this season has been for me, it would have been double the pain if I had lost my Friend from this. But we are still Friends. When I'm with him at church or in group settings I am completely myself around him. We still banter and argue and talk about important things and listen to what's going on in each other's life.
...So I'm not losing him. Not really. I believe we'll always be Friends. We'll share in God's joy when He comes back for His children.
It actually excites me to think that this situation is living proof for all I believe about Friendship. When people take it for granted that they're losing their best friend from a breakup, I can now point to my own life and say, "It doesn't have to be."
It can only happen if both parties decide to put in the effort to remain Friends. Friendship, like everything else of value, you must work to maintain. I can assure you personally though, that it is worth it.
I'm so grateful.
And you know what else? I'll fall in love again someday. That's exciting to me. And even if I don't, I'll get stronger on my own. I'll live a life of devoted service to my King, and pour my life into others, to inspire them, to encourage them, to help them through their own valleys.
And that is enough for me.
"There are days when I feel so afraid
I can hardly remember to breathe.
When reality crashes in wave after wave
Pulling me farther beneath.
So what's the point in planning for a future
If it all can be stolen away?
It's all I can do to hold on and survive
When the colors have faded to gray.
But my children need so much more from me
And they give me the strength to go on.
Whatever may come---
All that matters now
Is where I go from here.
There's an easier way
If I live for today.
The beating of my heart
Is all that matters.
There's an easier way
If I live for today.
The singing in my heart
Is all that matters."
---"All That Matters," from "Finding Neverland."
~Cadenza
Still, I need to blog. I've been away too long, and I can't avoid it forever.
I suppose the place to start is to say that, yes, as the title implies, my heart has been broken. I now know what that feels like.
I had other plans for this post, but already that seems like a year ago. My older posts feel like a lifetime ago.
Last December after Christmas, he pursued me. He actually pursued me. This godly young man looked into my eyes and asked me if I would be willing to pursue a serious relationship with him. I told him yes.
We stood up and hugged. It seemed to me that years of miscommunication and misunderstanding had been wiped clean in a moment.
We dated. I was pursued by the man who had captured my heart. For a few months, the Schoolmaster was mine.
But this March he broke it off. I told him he must do what he thought was right.
I don't understand why. I still don't today. Maybe I never will.
"When this all began
I knew there'd be a price.
Once upon a dream
We were lost in love's embrace
There we found a perfect place
Once upon a dream.
Once there was a time
Like no other time before
Hope was still an open door
Once upon a dream.
And I was unafraid
The dream was so exciting
But now I see it fade
And I am here alone.
Once upon a dream
You were heaven-sent to me
Was it never meant to be?
Was it just a dream?
Could we begin again---
Once upon a dream?"
---"Once Upon a Dream," from "Jekyll and Hyde." (Additional lyrics mine.)
"I could weep
My whole life long
Future years
With you now gone.
I'll cry
Until we both are
Underwater
Forever.
See my tears flow!
This H2O
It is filled with heartbreak
Without your love
These tears don't
Even begin
To express
This
Emptiness..."
---"Tears," from "The Light Princess." (Additional lyrics mine.)
I know why my posts sometimes get preachy. It's because I have to preach to myself. Preaching it to myself helps me to get my perspective right again, even if it's redundant or sounds like I'm trying to set myself up to be somebody greater than I am.
Heh. Nope.
Eventually I came to realize that this is going to take some time to get over. I didn't get all these feelings overnight, so...it's going to take a while to, well, to move on. And that's okay. Life goes on. I still have to go to work and do things in my home and go to events. And around me the weeks keep going, and the months. The seasons are changing around me once more, bringing all the old feelings and memories and dreams that are somehow just as new to me as they ever were.
It's a blessing that life moves on. In grief---and in heartbreak---sometimes that feels like the worst infliction. The worst part is living with the pain, day in and day out. You wish it would get better because you're tired of hurting, and yet the idea of there being distance between what you lost and where you are now hurts you just as much, only in a different way. It will get better. I know it will. It already has. I may be young, but I've seen enough of life to know that it is constantly changing. Some days I'm my old self again, perky and mischievous and hopeful. But then there are days when pain comes without warning. The other day I was blindsided when I saw the place the Schoolmaster first took me out to dinner. I wept in the car. It seemed pathetic, but I couldn't help it.
I have turned to my Father in all of this. He has drawn closer to me than He ever has before.
Here's one blessing: My conscience is clear about this whole situation. I hoped. I prayed. I humbly asked for something. The Lord gave him to me for a while. When we dated, to the best of my ability I did what I knew to be right. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I hoped, and I have to give up hope now. But---I don't regret it. I have no reason to hang my head in shame. The Lord gave---and the Lord took away. As my Creator and rightful Master, and as the All-powerful King of Love and Light,...well, He does as He pleases. There is no darkness in Him. None of His character has the faintest shadow of evil.
I don't believe in a God who is capricious and stingy, because that is not the God of the Bible.
"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" (Romans 8:31 ESV)
Not "all things," as in, "everything we want." What kind of parent gives his child everything they whine for, or even demand? Not a good one, that's for sure. Those kind of kids are self-centered brats who are being allowed to let their sin nature take control of everything else. Their bodies for one thing. Kids like that won't make healthy choices for their bodies. Their minds: they are almost incapable of thinking of or doing anything for someone else. And that is going to lead to trouble the instant they step out into the real world. Their souls: how could a self-absorbed boy or girl feel any desire for God, or even understand their need of Him? As long as they have their distractions, they will gladly choose to never think of Him at all. Love often looks different from what we expect. The God-fearing parent stands firm when their child wants something that they know will hurt them, or even just be unhealthy for them.
The love of a Friend to another Friend can sometimes mean telling them the truth even when they don't want to hear it. Or confronting them when their behavior is wrong. And sometimes being a friend means stepping back and letting them feel the consequences of their sinful or foolish choices. "A real friend would help them no matter what! A friend loves at all times, right?" you might argue. Yes. A friend does love at all times. And real love means you don't shield them from self-inflicted consequences. How else will they learn? If they will not listen to truth they might get mad at you and choose not to be your friend anymore. But if that's the case, they didn't want a true Friend. A true friend loves their friend too much to feed them soothing lies, or to condone them when they tell lies to themselves.
Bit of a tangent there, but I think that's important. God has shown Himself to be a whole lot smarter than me when it comes to, oh, everything. In Scripture we see it everywhere. And so it is written on every page of my life's story, too. If I'd written my life's story, I'd have been a self-centered girl who had everything she ever wanted at a moment's notice. I would have fit the "mean girl," trope; popular, stylish, spiteful, vengeful, and dominating. And who knows where I would be now if that had been my life? I would have none of the things that I hold dear now. Things that really matter, like a relationship with Christ, a loving circle of trust in my family, and dear friends who pick me up when I am down. Or things like the joy I have found in helping and serving others. Things like popularity and style are fleeting pleasures---they can't even compare to the treasures I have now. Those things will last for eternity. I don't know what is going to happen between then and now, but I have been promised a happy FOREVER after.
And speaking of stories, that's another thing I've learned through all this. Having the Schoolmaster be mine was what I wanted in my life's story. It's true that I clung to that hope. I don't think the hope was wrong, necessarily. But it's become clear to me over the past two weeks that now that God has said no, I have my answer. It is not to be. It's time to accept that and to stop hoping. It was all well and good to persistently hope when I was waiting, but I have the answer now. The answer is no. If I keep hoping now, than I will be trying to pull the pen from the Author's hand and write my story the way I want it to go. Not only won't it work, it'll put distance in my relationship to the Author. I won't listen to Him or obey Him if I'm actively working against Him.
"If I'm wise I will walk away, and gladly.
But sadly, I'm not wise! It's hard to talk away the mem'ries that you prize..."
---"In His Eyes," from "Jekyll and Hyde."
I thought of those lines from that song, and I realized that I would never be able to move on properly until I stopped hoping. That meant I needed to not only give the Schoolmaster back to God, but all my past dreams, all my present hopes, and even the memories. All of them.
I obeyed. At first I didn't want to, but I did. I knelt down and with tears I gave everything back to my Father. Every memory that I prized. Every Moment. I let go of all of my dreams and gave them to Him.
When I stood up I felt free. I felt a new chapter beginning, and I actually felt a little excited. Anything---absolutely anything can happen now.
But more than that...I have peace somewhere deep inside me that my Father is pleased with me. Most of the time I think of God as my gracious Master; and He is, but that is not all He is.
Jesus Christ laid down His life to absorb God's wrath at my sins. God the Father was the one who sent the Son on His mission, who provided the way for sinners to be forgiven. The Holy Spirit has been given to me as a gift, to protect me and to reassure me that I belong to God as His daughter.
I am God's adopted Daughter. He has made me royalty. He trains me as a warrior of the Light. He bids me to share in His joy. He has told me to dry my eyes and to despair no more. He is no longer only my Liege-Lord and King, but my Father.
I don't have the answers why. I don't need them. He is the Answer.
I don't have to understand to obey. I gladly obey. I gladly give my heart to the One who has been determined to capture my heart since before the dawn of time, and who has sworn to love me for all of eternity. He loves me. More than anyone else ever could. I am safe in His love. Only God can truly heal a broken heart. He's healing mine.
Oh! And one last blessing I should mention. During that hard conversation, the Schoolmaster told me that he wanted to still be my friend. He wanted to speak with me when he saw me at church, and wanted me to feel free to do the same.
I know that to a lot of people that would seem unthinkable or even mean to suggest. I know that for most people, friendship is impossible after a romantic relationship ends.
But it is possible, and here's how I know it is: Friendship is a different kind of love than romantic love. The Schoolmaster and I were truly Friends before all this began. We know each other and we trust each other. We have a lot in common and we enjoy similar things and even similar beliefs. We each think certain kinds of questions are important and worth discussing, even if we don't agree on the answers. C.S. Lewis wrote a whole chapter about Friendship-love in his marvelous book, "The Four Loves."
Sadly, people today don't really know what true Friendship is because few people experience it. They get into romantic relationships without friendship coming first, which sometimes ends up working out, but when breakups happen they literally no longer know how to act around each other, and have no choice but to avoid each other. I can tell you now, as painful as this season has been for me, it would have been double the pain if I had lost my Friend from this. But we are still Friends. When I'm with him at church or in group settings I am completely myself around him. We still banter and argue and talk about important things and listen to what's going on in each other's life.
...So I'm not losing him. Not really. I believe we'll always be Friends. We'll share in God's joy when He comes back for His children.
It actually excites me to think that this situation is living proof for all I believe about Friendship. When people take it for granted that they're losing their best friend from a breakup, I can now point to my own life and say, "It doesn't have to be."
It can only happen if both parties decide to put in the effort to remain Friends. Friendship, like everything else of value, you must work to maintain. I can assure you personally though, that it is worth it.
I'm so grateful.
And you know what else? I'll fall in love again someday. That's exciting to me. And even if I don't, I'll get stronger on my own. I'll live a life of devoted service to my King, and pour my life into others, to inspire them, to encourage them, to help them through their own valleys.
And that is enough for me.
"There are days when I feel so afraid
I can hardly remember to breathe.
When reality crashes in wave after wave
Pulling me farther beneath.
So what's the point in planning for a future
If it all can be stolen away?
It's all I can do to hold on and survive
When the colors have faded to gray.
But my children need so much more from me
And they give me the strength to go on.
Whatever may come---
All that matters now
Is where I go from here.
There's an easier way
If I live for today.
The beating of my heart
Is all that matters.
There's an easier way
If I live for today.
The singing in my heart
Is all that matters."
---"All That Matters," from "Finding Neverland."
~Cadenza
