The Circles of Friendship

   When I started this post I had no idea what to write about.  So I just started a bland, slightly preachy post.  But then it took an interesting turn, so I followed it.  I've just deleted my first introduction and changed the title.  You're welcome.

   I have lots of friends in varying circles of closeness.  

   I would say the outermost ring is everyone I happen to encounter every day.  You know, like the barista in the drive-thru window.  Like my coworkers who I transfer calls to but never see.  Like all those people at church that I know well enough to say hello, but don't have a particular friendship with.  I think I'll call this circle simply, "People." 

   Moving into the second circle would be the folks from the outermost circle that I see fairly consistently and actually enjoy their company.  I would be glad to get to know them better, and I might be relieved to spend time with them over other people from the outermost circle.  These are my Acquaintances.  

   The third circle I call "Potential Friends."  These are the people that I have encountered in the Acquaintance circle who I shared a special moment with or an ordinary conversation upon which a real interest was struck, morphing it into a good conversation.  I know a little more about these people, and I'm hoping to get to know them better.  

   I would say that the fourth circle would be the "Respect Zone."  It usually overlaps the others, but not always.  There are lots of people that I respect and would like to get to know better, but for various reasons I don't have the freedom to pursue them as friends.  There are people in it like church leaders that I look up to, songwriters or authors that I will probably never meet (at least in this lifetime), a few political figures, perhaps, and various persons who I encountered doing or saying something that commanded my respect.  The Respect Zone is a funny place.  There are quite a few people in it that I really don't like, and wouldn't want to spend time with.  But they have my respect to some degree or other, and oddly enough though I wouldn't say I'm friends with them, such a status can be closer to Friendship than even Potential Friends.  I suppose my Respect Zone is my broadest circle.  If this were a Venn diagram, part of the Respect Zone would have to be outside the overall circles of People I Know.  However, to progress any further past Potential Friends, you must pass through the Respect Zone.  I simply am not friends with people that I do not respect, and that is because I do not trust those that I do not respect.  Everyone has people they love but do not trust.  Just so with me. 

   Past the Potential Friends, we now move into the fifth circle, which would be the first degree of Friendship! (Yay!)  Which, just to make things interesting, I'll label, "The Antennae Area."  These are the folks whose company I enjoy and who share some of my tastes and who have shown interest in becoming friends with me.  My mental antennae are up, and I'm feeling them out.  I'm analyzing comments and facial expressions.  I'm being cautiously optimistic toward them.  Many good folks have passed through this stage to become friends, but after a season no longer show interest in spending time with me, so they fall back into the Acquaintance Circle.  And I let them.  Sometimes it hurts, but hey, seasons are a part of life.  I can't maintain close friends with everyone I like, and I don't expect others to, either.  The nice thing about Acquaintances is that they can come back into your life at a different season.  And sometimes they surprise me by wanting to remain friends.  

   If you make it past the Antennae Area, I now classify you in the sixth circle as a New Friend.  We've had some good conversations, you seem interesting, and you've shown enough interest to convince me that you want to be friends with me.  I now begin to carefully share deeper things with you.  I watch how you respond, and listen for things you share in return.  

   Full disclosure, people don't generally stay in the New Friend circle for very long.  And that's a good thing.  Most people drop into the Acquaintance circle.  Some drop to Potential Friend, especially if I didn't have enough time to really get to know them.  You know, if schedules don't match or the season is not quite right yet or something.  Sometimes they go to the Respect Zone.  I may get to know them a bit and realize they aren't quite friendship material, but I respect them too much to think of them as just an Acquaintance.

   If someone ends up staying in the New Friend circle for a while, that means they're slowly becoming a Friend.  They are proving themselves; they're being consistent in their actions and retaining my respect.  If this continues, eventually one of two things will happen.  
   
   One, some event will occur in which I really need a Friend, and the New Friend rises to the occasion.  Maybe they give just the right encouragement that I need to hear, or maybe they set me straight when I am wrong.  Or they pick up on my feelings and respond to help without being asked.  It sounds so dramatic when I put it like that, but it's usually a very small thing.  But it surprises me, and some switch inside me just flips on.  "Oh...wow.  I need this person in my life."  

   Two, something small and subtle occurs.  Maybe sharing a grin under someone else's conversation when we know we're thinking the same thing.  One time at a party an Acquaintance and I got talking, and as the hours went by, she progressed up through every level.  When we left that night we were fast friends and sworn allies and still are today.  

   Once you are inside the seventh circle as a Friend, I'm sad to say there are still degrees of Friendship within it. But I don't think I can pin them down with words very easily.  Lives ebb and flow, and even with true friends, sometimes you are just closer to one or two over here for a bit, then when circumstances change, you find yourself gravitating toward some of the others.  And that's all right.  As long as there is trust and investment, you will still be friends.  Friendship is meant to ripen and to stand the test of time.  It's best when mellowed with age and experience.  And you simply cannot pour into all your friends at once.  I stopped expecting that of myself a while ago.

   Even with my dearest, oldest, or closest friends, there are some things I don't tell them.  Or I may tell one but not another.  Person A knows how to relate to me in one area, but Person E over here probably wouldn't understand.  But I can share a whole realm of my inner life with Person B that Person A would laugh to scorn.  And then there's C, who would understand this other thing, but it's not what she needs from me in this season.  And right now my best-est friend is probably D because they're getting me through a particular struggle, even though I generally enjoy E's company more than D's...etc. etc.

   It seems to me that Friendship is very like falling in love.  It can happen in years or hours.  Sometimes you meet them and within a few months you know you can always count on them.  And sometimes it takes seasons where you separate and then come together again.  Each time you come together you learn more about them, and when you separate you have the feeling that they'll be back before too long.  And sometimes it's just the slow, quiet work of a few years, then all at once it's love, and you can't pinpoint where or how it began.

   This is why if anyone wants me to fall in love with them, they will have to work their way through my Circles.  You have to prove to me that you'll be there for me and that you'll let me be there for you.  You have to choose me, and keep choosing me every day, "till death do us part."  You can't just sweep me off my feet with a few bursts of good effort.  I won't be fooled by it; these things take time.  And if you flake on me or go lukewarm, back to the Acquaintance Circle you go.  It's possible to work your way up again, mind.  But few do.  There are easier girls who are grateful for crumbs of attention.  
   This is also why I find "The Friend Zone," to be such a silly concept.  In the television shows and in the movies, a beautiful girl is (somehow) completely blind to the fact that a man is desperately in love with her, and when someone finally tells her, she gasps, "I just never thought about him that way!!"  

   Well, I don't know how other people scope out relationships, but honestly, every boy that I've ever met I've wondered if I could or would get married to them.  It's just something that I've always given thought to, even as a very little girl who didn't understand romance yet.  And so that means that men I know fail to make it through all my Circles.  

   Usually I don't know if they are Christians or not.  This is why I don't often swoon for actors I've never met or for handsome strangers I see.  Even if I feel a little blush or a swarm of butterflies, it means nothing, and I know it means nothing.  When I don't know the person, it's just a natural physical response and nothing more.  I don't go away pining for them or making up shirtless fantasies.  I'm pretty sure I have a far greater weakness for personality and intellect.  

   Attractive strangers and even potential male friends can turn off my interest in a heartbeat.  If they're arrogant or pretentious, ooh, off to Acquaintance-Town with you!  Or, if you're that guy I danced with two weeks ago who stared at my chest for 3.5 seconds before responding to my greeting, welp, have fun in People-town, kiddo.  

   But the thing that makes me turn down most potential candidates is lack of maturity.  Spiritually, mentally, or emotionally.  Spiritually in the sense that I don't think they could be my spiritual leader because they're barely leading themselves.  Mentally, as in, they're obnoxious or loud or have a boorish sense of humor.  Or maybe they have narrow interests, no taste for new ideas or experiences, or just a general shallowness or emptiness in their talk.  And by emotional maturity I mean things like insecurities and fears that they won't conquer; or a general clumsiness when it comes to showing or dealing with powerful emotions in themselves and others.  These sort of people have no...center, if I could say it like that.  There's all this personality and mind there, but no sense of self.  There's this instability at their core that's just praying every minute that the whole structure won't come tumbling down if they put a foot wrong.  

   I daresay I would be told that my standards are too high.  And yes, of course I realize that every man starts out that way and has to grow.  That's what your twenties are for.  But I'm in the late twenties myself.  I've figured some of my own crap out.  And unlike most girls these days, I don't and have never looked for a dating relationship that wasn't likely to lead to marriage and commitment.  Sure, boys can grow up, but I am not willing to become romantically involved with one until he does.  I don't have that kind of time, (I never did) and I don't want the drama of raising a man I didn't give birth to.  I am aware that there's no such thing as a perfect man; I'm not idealizing some perfect Knight on a white steed.  But a man has to be grounded.  He has to understand where his strengths and weaknesses are, and be always working to cure himself of the weaknesses and to use his strengths for good.  Someone like that understands who he is and what he needs to do.  A woman can trust a man like that.  He'll make mistakes, but he will learn from them and apologize and do better next time.  That's the kind of man a woman can follow.  And I refuse to fool around with some overgrown boy who needs to figure himself out.  It would be better to be alone and living a busy, useful life.          

   So you see, I have never rejected anyone flippantly, certainly not those who were my Friends first.  A few of them I relegated to my Friendship Circle, so you might think that that is my version of the dreaded "Friend Zone".  The difference is that I put them there for a very specific reason.  I didn't just "see them as a brother," or just "never thought about them that way."  I did consider it, and I concluded that they weren't right for me.  And look, I know first-hand that being rejected to being "just friends," is cold comfort.  But if some of those men had understood just how precious Friendship is to me, it might have made a little difference.  It might have...theoretically.  Hm.  No, no, I guess it would still be cold comfort.  Rejection sucks.  It really does.

   I was always taught that the best way to fall in love is to be friends first.  Because the fulfillment of romance is marriage.  And marriage is simply a man and a woman teaming up to take on life together.  To do that, you have to be Friends.  Friendship will last when romantic flutters no longer come, and the glamor and novelty has worn off.  I think the reason most people give up on their marriages is because they expected the temporary euphoria that transformed them into better (or at least happier) people would last for the rest of their lives.  

   So, there you have it!  My Seven Circles of Friendship!  Hope you enjoyed it.  Leave me a comment for more ideas for posts! 


~Cadenza                                    

Peace

   I have been a Christian for many years; how is it that I'm only now beginning to understand the Peace of God?  Why isn't this a subject that we talk about more often? 

   It has always seemed to me that if your conscience wasn't clean, then life really wasn't worth living. 

   Of course, nothing I could do made the guilt in my conscience go away. 

   I tried justifying.  I tried bargaining.  I tried to balance it out with good works.  But I knew myself well enough to know that I could never assuage that guilt.  

   Guilt.  Is there anything worse in this world?  That shame, that knowing deep inside that you did it.  No matter what you tell yourself or others, it's just a fact.  You can't change it.  You can't write over it.  It's done.   

   Even if I wasn't doing crazy things or outwardly being rebellious, I knew my heart was selfish.  All I wanted was to pursue my own interests and agenda with no interference from others.  I wanted to be loved and idolized by everyone around me. 

   As a young child, I was always aware that when I was trying to do the right thing there were selfish motives mixed into my actions.  Yeah, I wanted to do what was right, but I also wanted to be seen doing the right thing.  I wanted approval for it.  Which, strictly speaking, is not entirely wrong.  Every child wants to be delighted in.  But I also desperately craved the approval of my own conscience.  If I did what was right, even with right and wrong motives mixed together, I at least knew I was trying.  And that counts for something, doesn't it?  

   I was forever haunted by the realization that I ought to always be trying; every moment of every day.  Every decision, every motive.  Even forgetting to try was failing.  

   God's Law is written on every human heart.  We can't escape this reality, no matter how hard we try to ignore it.  

   I couldn't handle it.  My conscience was pricked over the tiniest things.  At least when I was repenting and asking forgiveness it made some of the guilt go away.  

   I was six when I prayed to receive Jesus into my heart.  From that day to now, I have known that my wrongdoing has all been paid for.  I know that I am blood-bought, ransomed.  
   The trouble was that peace was something that eluded me.  

   Now, peace with God is not a feeling.  At least it isn't all the time.  Searching for a feeling is always a mistake.  Trying to recapture a feeling is futile, like trying to chase after the end of the rainbow.  It's always just out of reach.  Or you grasp it for a moment, but you can't keep it.  

   Peace is knowing that all is well between you and your God.  Knowing, beyond feelings, beyond painful circumstances, and beyond all the forces of hell screaming the opposite at you.  

   I think most of my life I've lived under the expectation that all will be well someday, but not today.  That it was up to me to muddle through as best as I could.  

   In other words, that God had ransomed me, taken me from my captors, then shown me into His family and then kind of dismissed me.  "Here's your new family.  Here's what I want you to do now.  Enjoy.  I'll call you when I'm ready for you."  Then walked out and shut the door on me.  

   I've always had it impressed on my mind that every person has a role to play in this life; something they must do.  What happens if you don't know what that is?  What if you guess, then find out it was wrong all along?  

   There's always something better you can do.  There's always more you could have done.  How do you live with that guilt bearing down on top of all the other guilt?  

   I've always loved 1 John 4:18 that says "Perfect love casts out fear."  For a long time I didn't understand how that truth worked into my matrix of guilt within guilt.  Even if I knew the sins would not claim me in the end, they certainly seemed to hold dominion over me--every day.  

   I hate that I keep sinning.  I hate that all my selfish desires are still there all the time.  Try as I might, I can't get rid of them.  I hate that I can't thank the Lord like I should.  I hate that I can't praise Him joyfully every moment.  If I only loved Him more, all the temptations would have no appeal.  I hate my selfishness.  I hate my bitterness.  I hate my jealousy.  I hate my passion to be proven right.  I hate the way I enjoy using words and speech to manipulate.  There's a fine, fine line between subtlety for others' good and manipulation, attempting to control or turn the truth.  I hate the spite in my heart, I hate how I am prone to flattery.  I hate the doubts that I feed in my soul where I think no one can see.  

   I hate how I wallow in sullenness and dejection; and more, how much I enjoy wallowing in it!  It lets me feel abused, and thus have the illusion of being "right." 

   "Have you ever heard that Jesus is the Answer?
   And thought about the many doubts you hide?
   Have you wondered how He loves you
   If He really knows how dark you are inside?
   Well, I say faith is a burden
   It's a weight to bear
   It's brave and bittersweet.
   Hope is hard to hold to
   Lord, I believe!  
   Only help my unbelief."   

("No More Faith," by Andrew Peterson.) 

  
   "You're holding to an image of a disconnected God
   Who needs to be protected from the darkness in your heart.
   Who waits for you to sober up before He gives His love.
   Well, I think God would say if that's who He was.  

   So let it go."  

("Let It Go," by Andy Gullahorn.)

   
   If He knew me, who I really am, He wouldn't love me.  

   But He's God, He knows everything.  So He knows it all.  

   I know He loves me, because He said He does.  He died for me.  The ransom on my head was paid. 

   The only way I could make sense of those things (at least in my own head) was to decide that He has bound Himself to love me, but I provoke Him every moment.  I knew He'd never let go of His covenant for His own character's sake, but that my sins that held dominion over me kept me from ever experiencing His approval.  

   Friends.  My friends...it was a lie.  I believed a lie.  I believed that God loved me, but wanted little to do with me.  It was a reflection of my own selfish heart that can love people and yet remain indifferent to them.  

   I didn't feel right "bothering" the God of the universe with my petty prayers.  I felt burdened under what I felt was God's righteous or exasperated frown when I bowed my heart to confess and repent.  I hoped one day to experience His delight...when my soul reached Heaven.  Even that seemed too much to hope for.  

   Having peace in your heart comes, I have learned, when you set your mind to believe what God has promised.  Denying your fears and choosing to trust Him.  

   I suppose the reason we think peace is a feeling is because it's true that a feeling does come with it.  Inside the swirling chaos and emotions running high, like enormous waves crashing from every direction, it's like a rock set in the very center of your soul.  It doesn't make the sky clear or the lightening or the thunder or the accusations go away.  It doesn't always take away all the fear.  It doesn't always make the task easier.  

   But.  

   In the very, very core of your heart, you have this stillness.  This knowledge that beyond all doubt, "God loves me.  He is here with me.  He is pleased with me."  

   How did I fail to see this?  It's everywhere in Scripture.  He no longer sees or even relates to me the way my sins deserve!  

   As far as the East is from the West.  

   You can go as far East as you like, you'll never find the West.  If you go far enough West, it becomes the East again.  

   He says He remembers our sins no more.  He never brings it to mind again.  

   This is the only true God.  He felt so much mercy for me that when Death had a blade to my throat, gloating that he had claimed another of God's creations for his own, Jesus stepped forward and said, "Let her go.  You can take me instead." 

   "Take me instead."  

   Don't we love those moments in the movies?  When someone steps in to take another's place?   

   That's what Christ did for me.  For you.  For everyone who will trust and follow Him.

   My emotions are always stirred in those moments in stories.  Because I know that I need a Savior.  Someone who will be both Rescuer and Substitute.  

   I can love a Master who took my place.  And you'll notice, when the hero cares enough to give his life for someone, they aren't indifferent to them.  In the great stories, the Hero comes back, having outwitted the adversary.  He comes striding back with power and a huge smile on his face.  He comes back for the girl with his arms open.  

   Peace comes when I understand that God loves me like a Hero loves the girl he saved.  Perhaps it's easier for me as a woman to think of it that way, but I don't know.  When the Hero saves a boy, he becomes his father, whoever his biological father may be.  The special bond of a father and son speaks to each of us.  God designed us that way so that we would know Him when He comes for us.  

   He is with me.  He knows all the obscure trivia about me.  He knows His way around my soul, with all its landscapes and secrets.  He takes delight in me.  He sends things every day to make me smile.  He chooses to love me, every moment of every day.  He watches me and guides me.  

   "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." (Heb. 13:5)

   "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." (John 14:8)

   "If I go to prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to myself, that where I am, there you may be also."  (John 14:3)  

   Love casts out fear.  

   I'm not afraid of Him anymore.  Of course, I confess my sins to Him and repent.  But then I lay my guilt down and bear it no more.  He would not have me take it up.  

   
   "When your sky is cold and lonely
   And your heart is filled with fear
   I will wrap My arms around you.
   Know that I am here.  
   And I will keep you safe and sound
   Through the darkness that surrounds.

   When your way is bright and glowing
   And your soul knows no despair
   Can you hear Me singing with you?
   In your triumph I will share.
   For I am watching over you,
   And I rejoice in all you do.

   So remember, never doubt this
   Hold it tightly to your heart
   I'm forever, always with you
   I will be right where you are.

   I will never leave you nor forsake you
   Know that I am with you
   You will never be alone."

("I Will Never Leave You," from Hidden In My Heart-Scripture Lullabies.)  

     
   Peace is being sure of that, and choosing to value that above all else.  

   Peace is knowing that I am loved by my Creator.  

   Peace is the serenity deep inside that one day all things will be,--and even now are--well.


~Cadenza

Of Tea

   One of my best friends married a man who, upon spending some time with me and my family, remarked to his wife that we "were more English than the Queen of England herself."  

   Obviously this chap was being hyperbolic, but I saw his point.  The truth is that my family does value English culture, aesthetic, habits, tastes, literature, and mythology to a very high degree.  It seems I've been only noticing of late how deeply it runs in me.  

   For one thing, I grew up on stories with English characters, and often in English settings.  I think many of them were set in the 1800s, when people still had customs like "dressing for dinner," and having tea at four in the afternoon.  Or when people had problems like neighbors listening in on rural phone calls intended for other ears, or running to "fetch the doctor," when a baby had croup.  

   When I grew older, I began to read English Literature, and it was my favorite subject.  The Wind in the Willows, Robin Hood, Frankenstein, Jekyll and Hyde, The Scarlet Pimpernel, The Black Arrow, Pride and Prejudice, The Secret Garden, The Hobbit, Peter Pan, Mary Poppins, The Five Children and It trilogy, The Railway Children, A Little Princess, Jane Eyre, Sherlock Holmes, Shakespeare, George McDonald, Chaucer, Wordsworth, Keats, Blake, Milton, George Herbert, and Sir Walter Raleigh, to name a few.  Not to mention every work of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien that I could get my hands on.

   I grew up absorbing this world, along with all its aesthetics, language, and characters.  The cities and countrysides have existed in my imagination for so long that they feel like home to me.  They always felt more like my culture than the culture I experience every day in this postmodern age.  I remember thinking as a child that London must be a magical city, and swore that one day I'd visit there.  Which is satisfying to recall, because I've visited three times so far. 

   And now we come to the subject of tea.  I have had this blog for years and never once written a post about tea, despite it being in the title.  (Fie, for shame!!)  

   Ahem.  My parents are both avid tea-drinkers.  Milk for the children, tea for the adults was the rule when I was growing up.  We were only allowed sweet tea on special occasions, and were strictly forbidden to drink it without permission.  Which of course made us want it very much.  

   Every morning my parents each made a cup of hot tea to start their day.  My mother kept a glass of sweet tea at her desk as she taught us.  At supper we poured five glasses of milk and two tall glasses of sweet tea, and making a fresh pitcher of tea was part of preparing the meal.  (My younger sisters can't remember tea ever being forbidden, which I think was a good example of a needless rule being lifted for the younger offspring.)  Even today, my parents have a whole drawer in the pantry just for teas.  Loose leaf and bags alike, and in every flavor you can imagine.  Peppermint, Lemon Ginger, Chai, chamomile, strawberry-pineapple (?), spearmint, English Breakfast, Earl Grey, Oxford Afternoon, Sleepytime, and Constant Comment, to name a few.

   There's something very comforting about tea.  I think coffee gives something of the same comfort, but coffee is meant to stimulate the mind and to give energy.  Tea is more for pleasure and/or comfort; at least, it has always seemed that way to me.  

   I love the whole process of making tea.  No tossing a tea bag into cold water and zapping it in the microwave for me, thank you very much!  Tea ought to be made properly.  Even if I don't have time to make it properly, I at least use a kettle to heat the water on the stove.  

   You start by heating water on the stove in a kettle.  While it's heating, you take your teapot and swirl warm water in it.  That's so when the tea is steeping, it won't get cold too quickly.  After you dry the outside, you place your tea into it.  If you're using loose leaf tea, you use a teaspoon for every cup that will be served from it, and one extra, "for the pot," as they say.  When your kettle begins to whistle, turn off the heat and pour the boiling water into the teapot.  Place the lid on top, and cover the teapot with a tea cozy or towel to keep the liquid piping hot.  

   How long it will need to steep depends on what sort of tea it is.  For black teas, 4-5 minutes is ideal.  For green or herbal teas, it only takes 1-2 minutes.  While it's steeping is a good time to get cups (or mugs) ready, as well as sugar, honey, or maybe even milk.  (Look, milk in some black teas is actually delicious.  Don't knock it till you try it.)  

   After the tea is steeped, take a strainer and place it over a cup, and pour the tea through it to catch all the loose tea leaves.  Then you give each person their cup and let them "doctor," it as they please.  

   You're probably thinking that that process is entirely too long for you.  Yes, it takes time.  That's kind of the whole point.  

   When I make tea for myself and a friend or two, the making of the tea is part of the experience.  It's meant to make you slow down and relax a little.  And when you receive your tea, you can't just gulp it down and go.  It's hot, so you have to sip it.  Savor it.  Chat a bit, then take another sip.  It's not meant to be an easy "grab and go," beverage.  

   We make tea when someone is sick, or when your voice is tired.  My roommates and I do this all the time.  Whenever one of us is having a hard time, or when the day has been too long, one of us puts the kettle on and we all sit around the living room drinking it together.  

   A cup of tea always makes me feel better.  Something about the heat of the mug between my hands, the fragrant steam rising into my face.  Something about the nuances of the flavors.  Something about the way it warms you from the inside as it gently slips down your throat.  It's soothing.  It's calming.  Someone once said, "Tea is balm for the soul."  I believe it.  

   Drinking a cup of hot tea always makes me feel that things are not as terrible as they seem.  Or, even if they are, that there's no point in worrying.  It helps me to quiet my mind and my heart, and to rest for a moment.  Rest is vital.  We don't get enough of it in this day and age.  And look how it runs us ragged.  

   One wise man says, "Why do we retreat?  In order that we may advance."  


~Cadenza