I'm tired, and I'm not sure why. Technically I got more hours of sleep last night than I usually get in two or three nights put together. And then I just napped for most of the afternoon. What is going on with me?
You may be asking the same thing. I haven't posted in forever, and I know it. I just decided I wanted to post today without waiting to be inspired or happy or whatever.
These last few weeks have been hard on me. I've taken a few nanny jobs, and everything was going fairly well until last week. I came home and had an all-out meltdown.
Sometimes being single and counter-cultural feels like being on a ship adrift out on the ocean. Sometimes it's stormy, sometimes I feel becalmed. Both are horrible. There are always questions hounding me; the same questions that have been hounding me since high school. I still don't know how to answer them. Some days I'm trying to steer my ship in a heavy fog. I don't know where I'm going, I don't know if I'm about to run aground or run up against rocks. And on days that I have visibility, I only see sky and water in every direction.
What am I supposed to be doing? I mean, obviously I have to scrub the deck, fix meals, adjust the sails, and whatever. But where am I supposed to be going? I have a chart, but it's just suggestions. I don't know what my mission is. I'm not on some dramatic Hollywood quest in search of a lost treasure. I'm just---here.
Gee, I wish I was on some quest! Sometimes I think it'd be easier if life were a bit more like the movies. Because then there'd be purpose and adventure and an amazing score playing while I just happen to catch that rope that's conveniently hanging down and swing myself over onto...but that's not how it works. I'm coming home from bedlam which I call nannying, straight onto a becalmed ship. Sure, I can mess around with my belongings in my cabin, or I can read interesting books, but on the inside, I'm miserable and lonely and scared.
I want my readers to see me on days like this as well as on the days that I'm chattering about the weather. Last night I was so tired I could barely function. Today I'm in the fog. Maybe I should be screaming and panicking, or maybe I should be madly rushing around filling my time with activities. When I feel like this, it's like nothing matters. Why bother? The stupid sails will just need to be adjusted later. That ridiculous kitchen will always have to be cleaned. Get some other crew member to scrub that deck, they're the ones tracking all over it anyway.
Sometimes when I tell people about what I'm feeling, they get all in my face and start trying to fix me. I've even seen people get to the point of anger with me as they pound "solutions," in my face. I probably don't see how they'll help anything, and what are they expecting me to do? Start jumping up and down and saying, "Oh goody-goody-gumdrops!!"
I suspect I've struggled with depression (off and on) for a long time now. I don't mean I've been diagnosed by a doctor, I'm just thinking about most of my life, starting in my young teen years. My natural response to trouble is to run, to hide. I've been running from things for most of my life. I know in my brain that if you face things, most of what makes them scary turns out to be shadows. I know that running doesn't solve anything. I know it in my head, but everyone knows it's hard to follow your head knowledge when your heart is pounding, adrenaline rushing, and sweat trickling down your back. But running isn't doing me any good. It's only bottling up anger and resentment inside of me. I've kept my problems so well-hidden that when people find out, it's a battle not to just blow up in anger.
But, if you think about it, what's one thing about a ship that I failed to mention? The compass. When a ship gets surrounded by fog, you trust the instruments. You follow the map; you use the compass to steer the ship, no matter how you feel. And in a howling storm, when the ship is falling apart and about to sink, what's the one thing all sailors do? They cry out to God. In moments like that it's crystal clear to us that there must be a God, and He's the last thing to fall on.
What I forget is that the God who controls the wind and the waves is my heavenly Father. Gee, have I forgotten to preach the Gospel to myself? He loves me, and He steers me because ever since He made me His child, I'm on His adventure.
I may not know which port to steer for, but I have a Compass that tells me which way to steer my intentions, my thoughts, my loves, and of course my actions. I can think I'm "choosing" a destination, but He has already mapped out my course and is going to make sure I get there.
I'd like to share a song that's grown dear to me over the past few years.
"Jesus, Savior, pilot me over life's tempestuous sea
Unknown waves before me roll, hiding rock and treacherous shoal.
Chart and compass come from Thee,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.
Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me.
Jesus, lover of my soul, let me to Thy bosom fly,
While the nearer waters roll, while the tempest still is high.
May I hear Him say to me, "Fear not, I will pilot thee."
Gracious Sovereign of the sea,
Jesus, Savior, pilot me."
That's my prayer for this week.
~Cadenza
